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The End is Not Nigh Enough

Due to the price of tea in China developing into a complete and irreversible global economic collapse, citizens around the globe are comforted in knowing the world will end today, thanks in no small part to celestial interference with our mortal orchestrations.

“Hey, it was a good run,” stated Wilt Alabaster Jr of Hamilton, Ontario.

“I’ve read all the Harry Potter books so I feel I’ve lived a pretty full life.”

HAIR-PULLING
Economists and financial advisers, following fitful months of late-night research and hair-pulling both related and unrelated, were compelled to reach the conclusion of the world’s final monetary woes only recently, after seeing the last vulture capitalist fall starving from the sky onto hapless bystanders treading Wall Street earlier this week.

Said Marvin K Peabody, stockbroker and part-time blogger, “I don’t know why those greedy bastards would charge so much for their tea leaves and do this to all of us. I only drink lattes, for fucksakes.”

“I thought they were always on about communism, not capitalism.”

In nations across the continents, persons from all walks of life are embracing resolute stoicism to a level that would make the ancient Greeks blush.

Few remain working their jobs, with growing numbers sharing their resources for a last day of calm peace before the flaming eruption that will absolutely take out the Earth in response to our worldly desires.

POPPINS
Noted Deborah Smitherbottom, a tasty dish of a homemaker from Northampton, “Of course I am not looking forward to watching my four sweet children die screaming as the flames pour forth from the skies, but better that than grow up in a world where producers rebooted Mary Poppins.”

“I mean really, even if we had the money for a trip to the theater why would we want to see that?”

“The first movie wasn’t broke at all!”

“What arrogant studio thinks they could top that?”

“So perhaps it’s time for our lot to check out anyway, and I can most certainly live with myself and everyone I know and love burning alive, cursing the gods above for forsaking us all, rather than die the slower death of having to stand in a welfare queue any longer, listening to overweight strangers gurgle on about their retweeting reviews for that new Mary Poppins.”

As the end draws nigh, crime rates have startlingly plummeted in major cities everywhere, as humans of all creeds are at long last uniting to face the fiery end, together.

(Note: In a related story, our previously announced special profile series of China’s exciting plan to use all of the world’s wealth to build a solid platinum teapot so big as to set a new Guinness World’s Record for largest tea kettle ever, intended to debut next weekend, will be delayed until further notice, what with the planet and all its inhabitants getting ripped into cinders by the things from beyond shortly in response to our mismanaging our lives in pursuit of the dumbest shit imaginable. Our sincere apologies. But stay tuned for an immediate follow-up report on the world’s end.)

~Special End of the World Update~

Now that what once was the world has in fact been utterly devastated after the collective selfishness by all of humanity rendered open a tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum, allowing incomprehensible shadows to pour forth and singe the Earth into complete and total flaming incineration of unpalatable nightmare incarnate, we of the nilskidoo elected to see just how the peoples of the Earth, now all dead and smouldering ashes drifting in the infinite blackness of pan-dimensional space, are having a go of it.

“Oh, it was just dreadful,” said Margaret May, a local barista of no fixed abode.

“Having to hear the last dying screams of all my neighbors will likely give me nightmares for a month.”

“Why, I’ve been so depressed I’ve eaten nothing but Ben & Jerry’s pints the last few hours, all holed up in bed feeling sorry for what befell the world.”

“But at least I won’t have to get up early anymore to open up my Starbucks ever again.”

“I take some comfort in that, I do.”

SCREAMING AND BURNING
Said Stanley Lieber, a retired propagandist, “Just knowing that all the marvelous people I’ve met and worked with over the years are all burned and dead and removed from existence by the things from beyond brings a tear to my eye.”

“All of those stories are gone, and now there’s nobody left to either entertain or to do the entertaining. Or Chinese investors to make the whole thing happen.”

“Really, I think we should all learn from this example and try not to be so cross with others in case the things from beyond decide to completely and totally destroy the world again.”

“Mammy, why’s the funny man saying the world is gone?” asked a snot-nosed brat in a Tennessee park.

Answered his mom, a youngish redhead with a righteous ass and pierced brows going by the name Suzie Ostandfoundia (no idea why she would name her eyebrows): “Honey, you’re just in denial.”

“The world ended just now and you and me and all of our friends died screaming and burning in the flames of darkest infinity.”

“Even Timmy?” asked the snot-nosed brat.

“Especially Timmy,” answered the yummy mummy.

“Yaayyy, I hate Timmy cause he wouldn’t share his Pok√©mon cards and Timmy died burning and screaming, yay!” squealed the snot-nosed brat before running back up the jungle gym.

“So,” asked this reporter to the young red-headed mother of one, “you’re right fit.”

“Doing anything later?”