Skip to content

Quantum Grease Monkeys

A team of researchers from Washington State University and Montana State University have been writing papers on a bizarre form of discovered bacteria, which appears to eat and digest electricity and radiation, with the digestion muting certain of the aspects of this terrestrial spectrum of heat and light. Palpitations potentially…focusing it. The big Capitalist dream funding their work would be to grow and control and repurpose this bacteria, for it to digest toxic waste into something less dangerous, shitting out a new source for renewable energies in the doing. The real trip begins at this year’s X-mas party, where some of the bacteria is inadvertently shot into somebody’s Pineal gland to have a go with the Dimethyltryptamine all human minds produce at birth, during REM dream cycles, sexual climax and especially wet dreams. And, most notably, on the occasion of death. At which time the bacterial emissions will animate the body to seek out more Dimethyltryptamine to devour, in the minds of others, giving unto the world hopefully (hopefully) the zombie apocalypse.

Not one goddamn moment too soon either, if we are to be honest with each another, a precept I enthusiastically endorse because it makes anyone look good and reasonable.

In the third film it will be revealed that putting bacteria samples inside of somebody’s third eye was not actually the result of a drunken antic inside the teachers lounge at either of these universities, but rather a covert action by an unnamed governmental agency involving a network of well-intentioned scientists with designs for protecting as much of mankind as humanly possible from the impending cosmic rays being spit in our earthbound direction by a pair of gargantuan space bubbles. Because the last time such cosmic rays were spat our way, mankind’s earliest ancestors were taught how to love, as later observed by German theologian Franz Bibfeldt in his 1954 lecture series, Love: A Most Unwanted Gift From The Gods That Rode In On Cosmic Rays Spit Out By A Pair Of Gargantuan Space Bubbles, And How The DMT In Our Minds When Globally Activated In Tandem With Energy-Devouring Bacteria Might Save Us From Such Onslaught Of Troubles The Next Time Around. This film will have a different director from the first two however, resulting in lackluster box office success, prompting many armchair pundits to debate whether its plot points are indeed canonical or not.

But in other news, this.