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Portmanteau Death Rattle

As the increasingly-reactionary world exchanges terse words over how best to dance to the beat of the cacophonous doomsday clock, common (non)sense avoids us all like the girl at work we awkwardly passed that note concerning endearing affections to way back when.

The Bilderbergs for example, are easy to inflate with innuendo as they orchestrate meetings held by leaders of nations, CEOs of the world’s largest multinational corporations, military commanders, and whichever other wealthiest people on the planet; clandestine meetings held completely closed to the public and to the mainstream media. The full details from their official agendas are never publicly revealed, so it is easy to presume that the future course of the world is being mapped out until the next secretive meeting, which changes locations from one event to the next. So, it is indeed easy to go off into the deep end with paranoia, when all signs seem to suggest a particular direction, which in all likelihood is not merely the strangest bingo tournament ever conducted.

And while the distinct possibility that the largest online companies such as Google, Apple and Facebook have likely always been willfully complicit in governmental tomfoolery is easily as close to the truth as is the possibility of the Bilderbergs quietly curating huge elements of modern civilization, the few afflicting the many, conspiracy theories that investigate actual transgressors remain frowned upon. Blame the Russians for bombing their own embassies every single year of the Syrian war til the cows come home though, by all means.

Coming up with conspiracy theories is easy though. Numerology Oh My Golly! Danzig’s We are 138 divided by the Illuminati’s 23’s 2 is 69, then divided by the Illuminati’s 23’s 3 is 23! 23 skidoo! The environmentalist plot Agenda 21 plus Judas’ 30 pieces of silver equals Area 51 secret gov hellmouth! USA was born in 1776 and lost its innocence when JFK was murdered in 1963. 1963 minus 1776 is 187. 187 = MURDER! Om Shiva! Free John Galt! The spice must flow! 187 plus 51 plus 23 equals 261. The second letter of the alphabet is B, the sixth is F and the first is A. 261 is BFA which stands for the Balloon Federation of America, signifying that all is hot air and everything we know is wrong!

Filed under How To Make A New Conspiracy:

To begin with, we first need a touch of the primordial, or at least suggestive of the ancient world, to provide a chance to milk the general mystique that comes with anything which predates Western Civilization. Then we thoughtfully work in a vague-enough sense of historical accuracy for just the right hint of legitimacy. Too much legitimacy kills it because for a thing to be ominous it must be 78% unknown, in keeping with my imaginary statistics. For this endeavor, the meteor whose crash formed the Chesapeake Bay area of the eastern seaboard to the United States will do. While this event occurred many thousands or millions of years ago, I am insinuating that it deposited something eldritch in its wake, thereby creating a paranormal hot-spot comparable to Stonehenge and other vortices.

As our species evolved elsewhere, the arcane energies seeping forth from this particular hellhole trespassed into the subconscious of our genetic ancestors, like the lucid dreaming of a giant alien god laying in the near-death clutches of a long hard aeon’s slumber. We built myths around it, of the morning-star cast down from the heavens, whose landing marked the gateway to the underworld for those damned. Better yet, Mormons quietly teach of an advanced civilization existing in North America long ago that met its demise in a Krypton-like nuclear destruction (re-appropriating the Atlantis myth), leaving as sole evidence massive craters scattered about from the archaic explosions. Something down in this particular hole was calling out to us like a siren’s song, begging us to discover this new land, to found a new world order right here on these shores.

And we did just that, establishing a seat of power in the nearby Washington DC area but kilometers away, so vexing that denizens take it as the center of the universe. Even with unnatural mysteries throughout its brief history, of mass disappearances and massive creatures lurking in the nearby deep, we maintained our house of governance right there in the heart of it.

An old reliable for many modern conspiracy theorists is the notion that even the street plans for Washington DC were commissioned by Freemasons, designed by a Freemason, and so hidden within the layout are masonic symbols, such as a pentagram. While there is a measure of truth to some of this, there is no pentagram in the streets unless one were to extend roadways beyond their actual physical location. And the pentagram has never been regarded as a masonic symbol by anybody more literate than a YouTube vlogger. However, the less familiar Pythagorean Theorem, a symbol of tremendous weight to masons past and present, can in fact be found in the layout of the nation’s capital.

What compelled our historic leaders to hold office in the midst of such foreboding evil? Was it the same night terrors that compelled the infamous psychic Edgar Cayce to leave his home-state in the Bible Belt and travel there, setting the seeds for his New Age school? Might it have also somehow been felt by the likes of somnambulists Manly Wade Wellman, H.P. Lovecraft and Stephen Bissette, all of whom lived close enough for their sensitivities to be touched, as expressed through their respective obsessions, but not too close to truly go over the deep end? What has been calling forth? Liquor stores in the region are controlled by the government, a rarity in this booze-drenched nation, perhaps manipulating the spirits to cognitively align further with whatever dark designs for the populace there.

How about a top secret, artificial island being manufactured by this very government, right there in the Chesapeake Bay? Will this serve as the new throne for whatever the illuminated leaders of the free world plan on bringing forth from the aether to domain over the peoples of the Earth? Will the Beast of the Apocalypse commence World War Three from the same point where the religious-minded pilgrims first stepped down from their European ships onto shores of the neo-Indies? The predominance of military bases in the region is shocking, even beyond the notion of mere protection of government centers and the safeguarding of elected leaders. Langley is there, the oldest functioning air force base in the world, where much technological experimentation is openly performed as secretively as possible. Could something be feeding our leaders there, blessing them with knowledge of unseen things, arcane things?

Despite my implied madness, there are enough painfully real problems without having to resort to lunacy. People who think there are hidden messages on money are no better than those who see Jesus on potato crisps or hear Satan in backwards 45s. There is no Illuminati trying to spread Satanism, Zionism or Beardism or whatever, only selfish politicians trying to sneak money aside for themselves and their associates. History was survived by opportunists, not conspirators. Pop culture trash like the X-files becomes even more insulting when we realize humans are just not smart enough to construct actual conspiracies.

True conspiracy probably unfolds after the fact. They seem to never be more imaginative than mere power-lusting in reach, but they do involve theatricality. They consist of song and dance, and they involve quite a lot of misdirection.

Being completely swindled into a life of impotency and debt is far worse than imagined FEMA camps programming everyone to be gay or communist or whatever. Exhaustively wasting our waking hours making money for others so that we can afford to buy their meaningless products with the pocket-change left is not any route to contentment or enlightenment. And it’s just plain wrong to call it survival, either. Slow death is not survival, it’s death. It’s good for a person to unwind, but it’s not good for a person to unravel. Even our lexicon is warped. Suffice to say, drawing conclusions is fine, as long as it’s not on recycled paper which by total happenstance costs more than traditional paper. Syntax is in the third eye of the beholder.

The world being such a cold and irrational place doesn’t necessarily mean nefarious movements are always responsible, just that most people are cold and irrational.