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Insatiable Cryptid Buggery

“When the nobility behave as the ignoble and the ignoble behave as nobility, then we can be certain that the entirety of culture is illusion and thus through such duplicity might nothing of the world remain noble.”

He really said that shit? Fucking weirdo.

I know, right? Bloggers are crazy.

Quiet on the comms, people. Gimme a status update.

Car-chase and PowerPoint overlooking the north corridor. Over the past 23.5 hours we’ve remotely detonated 99 C4-encased, irradiated cluster-bomb charges at random intervals across a 5-mile radius, with enough blast to level North or South Carolina, whichever one Expletive’s old lady retired off to.

Fuck you, Car-chase.

On point; blizzard-like conditions and full-on thundersnow expected to hit the region momentarily. Cow-Man’s had plenty of time to arrange the runes for the backup plan, if he can keep his hands off his twig and berries.

Hey. fuck you too, Car-chase.

Avalanches and storms set to guide our golden fleece for shelter over here to the arctic seed vault’s entrance at the south corridor.

10-4, Expletive. You keeping Bezos company up there?

He’s a goddamn one-man circus, Col. Peacefister. You’re punishing me for all the babysitter porn in my browser history, aren’t you? This yokel’s done so much coke he’s complaining about our code-names to his boardroom through a rubber duck. Wait, where did that fucking rubber duck come from?

Movement in the west corridor, the fucker’s smelled our bait and switch!

10-4, Cow-Man. Expletive, get Bezos to Cow-Man at the west corridor, stat. He paid for the front row seats dammit!

Me and PowerPoint arriving on scene. Cow-Man had the runes in place on time.

I can see that now, soldier. We have the golden fleece surrounded. Let’s drag it back to the mess hall.

I want it alive, Col. Peacefister! The Bilderbergs will owe me big for supplying the barbecue this year, as soon as your bottle-pissers get this Yeti brute in the nets!

Containment spell in effect. Bezos, stay at arm’s length of the distortion field until the manacles are locked in.

Why are you binding it to the ground like that? We have to leave immediately if the Black Hawk is going to beat the blizzard!

You got played, billionaire. This beautiful freak of nature isn’t getting cooked by Wolfgang.

Why are you all undressing? What the fuck is this?

You paid good yen to see what’s never been seen by the normals, Bezos. My team doesn’t just hunt and capture cryptids like this walking, growling Netflix special. We bugger them. It’s what we live for, it’s what we do. Thanks for the funding though, say hi to the darkweb live-feed.

Oh my god what the hell are you cretins up to?

Dibs on that Yeti ass after you, Col. Peacefister.

Uhmph, after PowerPoint and uhmph, Expletive, Car-chase. Shit flows uhmph downhill. Cow-Man, why is your uhmph dick not in this bastard’s ocular cavities yet? I bet the cool, refreshing uhmph Yeti cranial fluid is almost as sweet as a mermaid’s spit uhmph.

Why would…? One time by accident with a Jersey Devil last year when I was GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE MIND YOU and I had to grind bones from three dead saints for a balm to make the burning go away! My prick is ass or vag only, Col. 

You mean grind your bone on three dead saints.

A FUCKING DIVORCE, Car-chase, fuck you!

Those inhuman shrieks! The poor creature I, I..dear lord…I have never seen a Yeti cry before. Musk was right about you sick fucks. I mean I thought my spirit-cooking pizza-faces at Burning Man was naughty but you mercenaries take the cake and eat it! Let’s sell this to Middle America. Outsource any actual labor to Central America. Little fairy condoms droned to your door!

Take it Yeti take it take the best 5 minutes of your life.

Bezos, you know how to make a little fairy condom?

Uh, no.

You fuck one.

Bagged and tagged, Col. Peacefister. PowerPoint and Cow-Man better have lunch ready because I think round two is coming fast. Hey, wow! I’ve never seen a billionaire cry before! Ha-ha-ha!

Well, Capitalists learning their limits is a many-splendored thing. Freaks like that need to learn sooner or later.