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Caught by The Fishnet Stockings

The CBS affiliate in Miami is reporting that, since February of this year, roughly 300 dolphins dead or dying have been found washing ashore along the gulf states, from Florida to Texas. Experts seem to have not one idea as to why such a travesty is going down, although commenters to that article, presumably seeing life through rose-tinted lenses, suggest a connection to the red mist poisoning aquatic life in the waters north of the Bermuda Triangle. Maybe the belief unto itself in a red menace has grown so hysterical as to have taken on a physical though microbial form, because voodoo is nothing better than believing without basis.

Not mentioned in that story, is the matter of this other story from a month earlier, where Maddy Lauria reported that dozens of dolphins had similarly been found dead over preceding months, just off the coast of Delaware’s haunted Cape May, once home to an excessive array of spiritualists with their spirit boards and whatnot. No concise explanations there either, unfortunately, although surely this could be no coincidence, despite the hundreds of miles separating the two seascapes.

If I were a betting man, I’d suggest these mass casualties are the result of poisoning, by the thousands of gallons of useless sperm regularly pumped through the embarrassingly dilapidated infrastructure of rusted pipework outward into the oceans, from the men not attractive enough to appease what the public is informed are women unfairly misrepresented by pop culture as mere sex objects, when A) pop culture only exists because the masses are incapable of defining themselves by their own thoughts and/or experiences, which precludes how B) pop culture is distributed to inform jack-shit. Double standards are supposedly non-inclusive and non-conforming, but also non-binary in their celebrated reliance on vagueness and indecisiveness.

Or, perhaps the dolphins are victims of mankind in more fanciful ways, with those rascally billionaire asshats seeking immortality for personalized thousand-year reigns through uploading their consciousnesses to the cloud, creating an accidental alternative to heaven/hell, and thus preeminently triggering Armageddon with the natural world finally dying out for lack of anybody among civilization’s final religion left with knowledge on how to work with nature, rather than against. Presuming of course that A) they indeed have any consciousness to speak of as their effortless predictability openly contradicts, and B) what they are uploading is anything more than a digital simulation because what really constitutes humanity cannot be synthesized by humanity no matter how much everyone wishes for escape routes from lives which they are too lazy to lead. Barbie dolls towering over GI Joes confirms the Freudian extent of mankind’s ingenuity for creating in its own image, of course, because modernity is nothing better than toys for brats.

More than likely, those dolphins have just fucking had their fill already.